Thursday, 29 October 2009

FILM 6: GIGLI - "It's turkey time. Gobble gobble gobble"

"What about me is not your type?"
"Your penis."

Its like reading Virginia Woolfe.

I've only just realised, Ben Affleck is going to 'convert' lesbian Lopez, isn't he. That is actually going to happen. This film is actually going to go there.

These excruciatingly long takes, monologue after monologue, like the writer thought he'd write Robert Shaw's USS Indianapolis speech in every scene. Except I don't remember Robert Shaw ending his scene by throwing a laptop computer onto the floor and saying "now log on to!!"

They didn't have laptops in the 1970s, silly.

Is this film so bad it's good? I don't know, after my troubling nausea after the Hugh Grant film, I'm feeling strangely euphoric. And confused. The mother from My Big Fat Greek Wedding is Ben Affleck's mother in this, a fact drawn into sharp focus by Ben Affleck injecting her bare bum with a needle for no apparent reason. The worst thing is that I'm starting to forget which film I'm watching, there are so many crossovers. Why is Hugh Grant keeping a brain-damaged Matthew Mcconoughey hostage while trying to persuade Sarah Jessica Parker not to be a lesbian anymore?

I have no idea what's going on, what's bad, what's good, what's up and what's down. You know that bit in Fear And Loathing when Johnny Depp wakes up in a pool of water wearing a giant lizard tail? You don't need mind-bending drugs for that to start seeming like a good idea.

Why is literally every set in this film beige?

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