THE END

Well, there we are! All done! It's been… emotional. Far, far more emotions than any one man should experience in such a short space of time.

First and most importantly, an enormous THANK YOU to everyone who's donated, we've raised far more money than I ever thought I would, it's humbling and fantastic. The JustGiving page stays active for the next 5 years, so there's plenty of time to donate if you've enjoyed the blog, enjoyed the misery, or just want to give to a good cause. If nobody had donated, I wouldn't be sat here now. I'd be asleep. Lovely, lovely sleep.

So, I woke up today hating romantic comedies. 24 hours and 12 films later, what have I learned? What does every self-respecting romantic comedy need to be, well, a romantic comedy?

1) Have supportive, tolerant parents. Every RomCom protagonist needs someone to talk to about their complex feelings, be it their best friend or their slightly creepily over-attentive and over-enthusiastic parents.

Films of note:
Failure to Launch,
Big Fat Greek Wedding
Gigli
Picture Perfect

2) The wacky best friend is practically a must-have. Unless the protagonist's sole raison d'etre is to have their loneliness cured by a dash young Hugh Grant, they need someone to explain their over-complicated feelings to so we, the audience, particularly the male audience, have some idea what's going on. And if that friend is a cheeky rebel, or, even better, a slut, then they manage to make our hero look good, so much the better.

Films of note:
Pretty much all of them. Except the Sandra Bullock oness

3) When in doubt, fall over. It makes your heroine seem vulnerable and lovable, without having to bother with tiresome words.
Films of Note:
Pretty much all of them. But especially Sandra Bullock. She does almost nothing but.

4) Women ARE funny… but not in RomComs

Just my opinion obviously… but pretty much every line I laughed at in the past 24 hours, and there were more than I expected, were delivered by the male characters. Lazy writers. Bad writers!

5) Happiness cannot last. Sooner or later, make everything go BADLY WRONG for your characters, then make them SUFFER. Apparently the more moping and self-pity, the better. For some reason this is entertainment. Be careful though, you can take this too far, like in 27 Dresses for example, which really was a wall-to-wall miseryfest.
Conversely, My Big Fat Greek Wedding was oddly misery-free, but I found myself missing it. Like eating nothing but pudding. Which sounds like a great plot for a romcom, come to think of it.

Failure to Lunch.

It's late.

6) Remember: mismatch your couples!! The more extreme the better. If people hate each other the second they lay eyes on each other, the more passionate they'll be when they get together. Right? I'm sure this trick was unpredictable the first time. I'm also pretty sure this isn't how real life works.

7) Looks ARE important. If people hate each other, why do they kiss in the first place? Even when they're, well, weird looking, you'll never find Timothy Spall seducing Zooey Deschanel, to pick a random example. Apparently, nobody wants to see that. Although it sounds intriguing.

8) Don't just write the name of the film up in boring white-on-black titles. Have 'fun'!! Make your title bounce around the screen before coming to rest. Words like "fat", "launch", "perfect" and, er, "Congeniality" are especially ripe for stretching and squeezing. Don't be shy!!

9) Don't forget to say the title of the film at some point. This is vital for trailers. It doesn't matter how awkward and crowbarred it feels. Only a strange obsessive would notice that this happens in EVERY SINGLE FILM. EVERY SINGLE ONE.
Actually, except My Big Fat Greek Wedding. And When Harry Met Sally. But it did in the others, honest.

10) If you're a man: Be rich. It's just easier. It also helps if you're Hugh Grant, which you invariably will be.

11) Set your film in New York. Don't believe me?
27 Dresses, Sex And The City, Two Weeks Notice, Picture Perfect, When Harry Met Sally, You've Got Mail … I'm sure there are many many more that I haven't tonight, and almost certainly never will.


What else have I learned? That watching films for 24 and a half hours straight will make you feel really, really sick.

I've also learned that although a lot of romantic comedies are, well, awful, there is definitely a knack to them… not a formula as such, but the guidelines are there for a reason, because they work, and hats off to the people who write them because they really know what they're doing.

They're not a patch on really great sci-fi writers though.

And finally, what was my favourite film of the night? Well, let's put them into order, because I've written enough tonight, and I can no longer focus.

1. When Harry Met Sally
2. My Big Fat Greek Wedding
3. Miss Congeniality
4. 27 Dresses
5. Love Actually
6. PIcture Perfect
7. Failure to Launch
8. Two Weeks Notice
9. You've Got Mail
10. Sex And The City
11. Bridget bleedin' Jones
..
…


…


9999999..... Gigli.

Shudder.


Aaanyway, yes, that's enough I think. Again, thank you to everybody who's donated and shown encouragement, sorry everything went a bit weird around the dark patches of Gigli and Bridget Jones, I hope you've enjoyed reading the contents of my brain as it spilled out onto these pages, and I'm off to bed now.

Goodnight!

Film 12: Miss Congeniality - Last and surprisingly not least

Ha!! Well... I enjoyed that. Sandra Bullock over-acts as the tomboy FBI agent who goes undercover at a beauty pagent, hosted by William Shatner, to find out who's plotting to blow it up with a bomb hidden in a tiara. On the way she's taught how to be a beauty queen by Michael Caine, like Educating Rita with tit-tape.

Yes, I'm practically delerious from lack of sleep and romcom sensory overload, but, pfffft, its heart was in the right place, the correct amount of tongue in cheek, and it had WILLIAM SHATNER and MICHAEL CAINE slumming it, doing what they do best. Sandra Bullock did fall over a lot, in fact that was the punchline to a huge number of the scenes, and, well, thinking about it objectively, it was probably complete rubbish, but it was my LAST FILM and it's over! It's over! I'm free! I'm free at last!!!!!!!!

So, to summarise.....

FILM 12: Miss Congeniality

Oh right, more Sandra Bullock. On the surface, she'd appear to be playing exactly the same character as she did in Two Weeks Notice, but I'm sure there's much more to it than that. Just because it's the last film of the night doesn't mean its not going to throw up some surprises. There aren't TOO many so far, she's a feisty FBI agent who doesn't play by the rules and doesn't need a partner. Either a professional partner or a sexual one. OR DOES SHE? Well, let's find out!

This film was also produced by Sandra Bullock. Interestingly, she also produced and acted in Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous. Sadly this is the last film of the night, so the sequel will have to wait.

It's also got Ernie Hudson as the kranky Captain. Within 5 minutes, he's already had more lines than he had in Ghostbusters.

FILM 11: YOU GOT MAIL - You've Got Mail

Oh, apparently it's called 'You've Got Mail", not "You Got Mail".

It doesn't really matter.

Film 11: YOU GOT MAIL - Astonishingly bad

Well, I was not prepared for that, not at this late stage. First thing yesterday morning it might have been OK, but what a good example of a film going on WAY too long, and not just because I really, really want to go to bed now. What looked like a bit of mis-matched character sparring building to a climax DID actually build to a climax, about 30 minutes before the end of the film. And then Hanks and Ryan did what people do best in RomComs, and moped for a full half hour, before deciding to meet in a park and kiss. I'll be honest... I zoned out quite a bit... there's only a certain amount of romantic chemistry you can get out of reams of footage of two people typing, and they certainly milked it for all it was worth. V poor. V poor indeed.

On the home straight now.

Film 11: YOU GOT MAIL - It still hasn't finished

I can't believe how long this last half hour has been. I can't believe there's still another film to go.

Film 11: YOU GOT MAIL - Tappety tap tap

So it's a film that's mainly about typing then.

Film 11: YOU GOT MAIL - Back to the formula

Woo, we're back. Right back down to the level where began, basically. Now I remember why Tom Hanks shouldn't do comedy any more.
Tom Hanks owns a large corporate book shop. Meg Ryan owns a, sigh, kooky small book shop. She hates him, he likes her, and they're 'emailing' each other without knowing who the other one is. What's going to happen when they meet? Well, I'm sure I'll find out.
Funnily enough, they haven't made much of the irony of them both selling boring old paper books when they love using email so much. I wonder if they're going to open a cybercafe together by the end? They are, aren't they. They totally are.

It's quite sickening that this whole film is a heavy-handed parable about corporate greed, when it's essentially a 2 hour advert for AOL. Everybody loves AOL.

Ooh look, the sun's coming up.

Film 11: YOU GOT MAIL

Meg Ryan again!! Must remember that this is not the film I just saw. Completely different character. Same actress, different character. Even though she's acting in exactly the same way.

Tasty CGI New York title sequence though. What year was this made? 1998? Really? God this is making me feel a bit old, the internet in this film looks like its from the dark ages. I know that computers in films are always ridiculous anyway.. I love the computers in CSI that when they're going through a recording of a murder or something, and they listen back to the waveform, and the computer goes "beepbeepbeepbeep" underneath the sound, because on screen computers must be as noisy as possible.

Early morning bad observation comedy about computers there. Maybe in the next post I'll drop in some zingers about font sizes.

Looking forward to this film though, I'm interested to see how the concept of email can carry a whole film. Besides, I like Tom Hanks, he's a safe pair of hands.

Just remembered Joe Vs The Volcano though. That had Meg Ryan in it as well. Hmmm.

Concentrate.

Film 10: WHEN HARRY MET SALLY - Awaaah

Yeah, Awaaah, that WAS a good film. A proper grown up film that, kept the characters simple and credited the audience with intelligence. Possibly more intelligence than you have after 20 hours of watching the telly and early-forming sofa sores, but high enjoyable nonetheless.

At this point, I'm so pathetically grateful for a happy ending. Come on Billy, run! You can catch her! Make it all worthwhile! You're made for each other!

And any film with Carrie Fisher in is a bonus. I just checked though, and Bruno Kirby died recently, which is a terrible shame. Obviously. He'll always be the Sinatra obsessed chauffeur in Spinal Tap for me, but the scene with the wagon wheel table in WHMS was aces.

None of this is very insightful, but I'm saving it all up for 3 hours' time when hopefully it's time to sum everything up. As it is, I'm going straight onto You Got Mail, and then onto whatever the last film will be.

Failure to Launch feels like a lifetime ago, and it's interesting that by far and away the best film of the night is almost 20 years older than most of the rest. Did I say interesting? It's probably not interesting. Is it interesting? No.

I'd eat more Milk Tray, but chocolates don't taste right at 5:45AM.

Film 10: WHEN HARRY MET SALLY - Quirky fatigue

I tire of Billy Crystal now, but I suppose that's the point. When Meg Ryan leaves him, you have to think: fair enough, really. I'd like him out of my front room now. It's getting late.

Film 10: WHEN HARRY MET SALLY - Thumbs up

It's an emotionally vulnerable time, that's for certain. Film 10, and I'm actively enjoying it. Firstly, I'd like to apologise for the last few posts, but bloody hellfire, how rubbish is Bridget Jones? Very. Very rubbish.
I blame Love Actually, actually. While it was by no means a great film, at least it didn't linger on any one character long enough for me to grow the deep, lingering hatred that I got for the diary-wielding whingester. I wonder if it's because it's film written by a writer, about a writer. Hmm, unlike those other films which aren't written by writers.

But look at this, this is a genuinely warm and enjoyable film. Americans are SO good at writing dialogue, the couple of abominations I've seen today excepted, that snappiness without having to be apologetic for being smart. It's very Woody Allen, Harry/Sally, isn't it? Well, Woody Allen before all that unpleasantness of course.

Actually, I'm starting to wish Billy Crystal would shut up for a bit now.

Film 10: WHEN HARRY MET SALLY

Wow, that was a low point. Stretched my legs, the cats have got up, and my teeth have stopped grinding. Good. Good good. Nice cup of sugary tea now, and an all-time classic, apparently.

Billy Crystal... he's got hair!! Do I like Billy Crystal? I'm pretty sure I like Billy Crystal. I'll choose to like Billy Crystal from now. Positive mental attitude, and every second I'm watching another film is another second I'm not watching Bridget Jones. God help me, while I was wandering around the flat I actually, ACTUALLY thought that I wouldn't have minded watching Gigli. At least I was angry, man, at least I could FEEL something.

Meg Ryan is real purty.

Film 9: BRIDGET JONES' DIARY - Cheers for that

I don't know what to say. Before this film I was feeling pretty fine, now I'm a broken man. Need to regroup, need to get some fresh air. The Lambrini is definitely not sitting right. Pretty sure the teeth grinding isn't just extreme irritation.

Gigli was in a different league, obviously Bridget Jones wasn't even close to being that bad, but I actually think it was worse than SATC. My tummy definitely agrees.

Perhaps I should do some drawing or something.

Film 9: BRIDGET JONES' DIARY - gtrnobgsounevs 2

Although, come on, only 5 and a half hours to go. Can't give up now.

Urgh, Bridget Jones is eating Branston Pickle out of the jar. Closest I'm come to bringing the Milk Tray back up all night.

Film 9: BRIDGET JONES' DIARY - gtrnobgsounevs

I don't think I can take this much longer.

Film 9: BRIDGET JONES' DIARY - Oh this is just rubbish

No no no, I don't like this at all. This is AWFUL. And I wish Hugh Grant wouldn't keep on talking about the Prime Minister, it's just getting surreal now.
We've definitely gone up a social class from Love Actually, we're no longer slumming it in Marks and Spencer, we're right up at Fortnum's. In the BIG CREAM CAKE aisle eh Bridget?
It really is late, and I'm trapped in a room with a body dysmorphic woman going on and on and on and on about how bloody fat she is. She's not kooky and lovable, she's incredibly annoying, and here's a thought, perhaps cutting out pictures of thin women in magazines and sticking your head on top of them and sticking them next to your desk at work might explain why your co-workers won't talk to you.

I don't claim to know THAT much about women, alright, next to nothing but, after these 18 long hours, I'm sure that most women aren't all as insecure, neurotic, jealous, backstabbing, self-pitying and annoying as pretty much every heroine in romcoms, and women are supposed to relate to these people? The most depressing thing is that, looking at the credits, so many of these creations are made by women. I doubt there's a cynical male ploy to erode female self-esteem, I suppose male heroes are unrealistic swaggering cocks too, but after the grind of this endless day, my over-riding impression of the female psyche is that it's too much bother to be bother with, which is WRONG WRONG WRONG.

Look at Ripley in Alien. Alright, one could argue that it's Sigourney Weaver nimmy nim male fantasy nimmy nim waving a big gun shooting aliens nim, but give me a iron-jawed fiercely maternal survivalist she-queen over these ridiculous simpering empty vessels who claim to be independent and strong, but who waste hours after hours of my time moaning because Hugh Grant doesnt want to be special friends with them any more. Fantasising about calling someone a ruddy arsebum and then running home for a cry and a dance to Shaka Khan does a disservice to 50% of the human race. Well, less the percentage that ARE annoying vacuous needynims.

Am I right sisters????

Film 9: BRIDGET JONES' DIARY

So, here we go, the beast that is Bridget Jones' Diary.

"Don't be silly Bridget, you'll never get a boyfriend if you look like you wandered out of Auschwitz". Nope, I don't remember many survivors wandering out wearing cashmere scarves.
Hey, another laugh a minute intro there!

Ah, Colin Firth again. This film and Love Actually are going to merge, aren't they. Is Hugh Grant still going to knock down that community centre? Blimey, Zellwegger is sat eating alone listening to "All By Mysef", this appears to be another theme with lonely women. Apart from talking to each other in nothing but their bras, do women listen to incredibly poignant music to cheer themselves up.

BLOODY HELL. She just got on some scales, and they read 9 and a half stone. Can I express my complete BLOODY OUTRAGE on behalf of all women everywhere that this is meant to be fat?? Frankly, Zellwegger never looked better than she did in this film, her face hardly looks like an anteater's at all.

Oh, here come Hugh Grant. He's playing a boss again. He always plays a boss. There's no way I'm going to be able to keep up with this. Gaius Baltar's in it as well, and he's basically a Happy Shopper Hugh Grant. This really couldn't get more confusing. Where am I?


Oh, in a stroke of brilliant timing, the JustGiving site appears to be down for the night. If you've been thinking of donating, or indeed tried to donate, please please HOLD THAT THOUGHT and try again tomorrow. I'll still be up in time to send them an email asking them nicely to get it fixed.

FILM 8: LOVE ACTUALLY - Wuv, wactually

Is there actually a Downing Street 'set'? I mean, they can't have actually let Hugh Grant swan in and out of Number 10, can they? Where is this fake Downing Street? I demand answers.
Oh yes, I'm on the internet. All answers to everything are one google away. And apparently it was built at Shepperton Studios. I forgot they could do that.

Everyone swears very awkwardly in Curtis films don't they? All the swear words are suspiciously well enunciated, like hearing the Queen call someone a ruddy blinking caaaant.
Urgh, the Minpops singing show at the end is a bit vomitous as well. In fact… yes…. I think I'm starting to dislike this film a bit. Oh thank god. That's such a relief. Oh, I see, all the characters have come together to see these children sing and dance, the tapestry is complete. What an intricate web has been woven. And Liam Neeson is telling his son to tell some girl he fancies at school that he loves her. Come on, this is the WORST ADVICE EVER, surely?? Yeah, why not do it in the playground at lunch in front of all of her mates too, go down on one knee while you're there. That's definitely a decision you'll never regret, son. Take it from me.
You're far better off lurking in the shadows, turning over and over in your mind what might have been, watching the more popular and handsome boys take their turn. It's never too early to learn that the odds are stacked against you.

Heh, love the bit where Neeson tells his son to just run through the metal detectors. It's not like airport security are armed WITH GUNS.

There was a bit of speculation that I went quiet because I was enjoying watching Love Actually. This is lies.

FILM 8: LOVE ACTUALLY - Wicker's World

Martin Freeman is really good at playing that one character he plays in everything.
I want to hate this film so much, so why aren't I? It cant be fatigue, it can't be that simple. Has it happened? Have my defences been eroded so easily?
Some people have asked if I've cried yet, but like someone suffering from post-traumatic syndrome, I've been dry for hours. The closest I came to feeling the tiniest twinge was during 27 Dresses, but only because whatsherface had such a relentlessly unpleasant life, when she finally got married and happy… it was just… I was just glad… it doesn't matter.

Wicker. English people have a lot of wicker furniture too, apparently.

FILM 8: LOVE ACTUALLY - Er, actually.....

And so we press on into the early hours of the morning. The good news is that Lambrini and Red Bull do mix, delightfully. I'm getting my third wind, after the wobbly moments of the post-Bullock coffee overdose sickness, and the strange lacklustre fug that descended after the horrors of That Film.

So, Hugh Grant told President Billy Bob Thornton he was a cock in front of the world's press did he? Well, SOMEONE'S going to get some trade tariffs levied against their country, that's for sure.
It's a strange, bitty film really. Since every single other film I've seen tonight has been basically about two people falling in love (Apart from Sex And The City, which was about..... wow, I don't think I can actually remember any more..), it's an interesting choice to scattergun a load of other mooning lovebirds into my heart. It would appear that every single person in this film, and therefore in Britain, has a well varnished hardwood floor. Well, Richard Curtis, my floor is made of laminate. That's compressed paper to you. Is there any place for me in your rather narrow view of the world?
I must say though, I did expect to be tearing my eyeballs out by now, but at this time of the morning, class war seems like an awful lot of effort. Right now, I wouldn't mind having a bit of a lie down on Emma Thompson's chaise-longue and listening to pan-pipe moods while playing a bit of gin rummy. With my Saddam cards.

The truth is, I'm still not entirely sure what this film is all about, other than a lot of people being bumbling and awkward around each other and saying 'erm' a lot, or 'fuck' if they're comedy relief. Liam Neeson re-enacting DiCaprio and Winslet's scene in Titanic with an 8 year old child must have been a hard sell at the script meeting though.

Is the whole film basically Curtis telling us that middle class, middle aged, ENGLISH people don't really like talking about sex? Now the whole world knows Richard, thanks for that. I bet they're envious of our beautifully unyielding and rustic floors though.

What the hell am I talking about.

Heh, and oh yes, thank you to everybody who still up and tweeting and that, it's much appreciated. It means I don't have to make up imaginary friends to talk to when the Lambrini sickness kicks in. Because that will happen.

FILM 8: LOVE ACTUALLY

Love Actually. The film that Will Self described as more emotionally manipulative than Triumph Of The Will. And since he was referring to "When the planes hit the twin towers, the phone calls from the planes weren't messages of hate and revenge, they were messages of love", it's hard to argue. Although I've heard talk of that line, it's really quite astonishing to hear it for real. I suppose "Fear, Actually" isn't quite what he was aiming for.
Also, Emma Thompson phoning up Liam Neeson saying how sorry she is to hear about his wife dying caused a sharp intake of breath, but that's not really Richard Curtis' fault. Probably.


Well, what a jolly start that was. Let's keep it lighthearted for now.

Ooh look, it's Hugh Grant again! And he's doing a Tony Blair! We all love Tony Blair!!

This is turning out to be quite a Hugh Grant heavy night. And, not wanting to pre-empt my wife's choices, I have a sneaking suspicion that this might not be my last Hugh Grant film of the night. Or Colin Firth. Do you see? Maybe the sequel will have Warren Clarke playing Gordon Brown, trying to dryhump Pam St.Clement instead of that Tiffany.

Babbling again. Let's 'enjoy' the 'film'.

FILM 7: PICTURE PERFECT - Hold your peace

Having seen eleven weddings today, I'm frankly amazed that it took this long for the "Speak now or forever hold your peace" thing to come up. Here, Jennifer Aniston goes to win back the heart of the wedding video bloke (Nick) by going to the wedding he's filming, and BOTHERING HIM. Talking during the recording, nudging his arm... look, I'm sorry, I've filmed a wedding in real life, and that is just not acceptable.

To make matters worse, he tells her to leave him alone, and she shouts "no!"... and guess at which part of the vows she did it in.... that's right! Uh oh!!!!

Weirdly, nobody seems to mind this. Apparently this is some sort of wacky, zany incident, rather than a deeply upsetting one that devestates your wedding day. Then this selfish couple of wedding crashers have the BAD MANNERS to stick their tongues down each other's throat, BEFORE the married couple do, and everyone turns around and applauds!!! Yeah, because there's one thing brides love is being upstaged on their wedding day.

I'm sorry, but in the end, the narrative got implausible and silly, and that was NOT was tonight was supposed to be about. I've been let down. Badly let down. BOOOOOO!!!!

Does Red Bull mix with Lambrini? We're about the find out!

FILM 7: PICTURE PERFECT - Soft centre

Well well well, the plot thickens. This other guy, Nick, who saved a child from a fire, is now pretending to be Aniston's boyfriend to make big bad Bacon jealous/aroused. It may be the fatigue, coffee nausea and bad wine talking, but I'm genuinely quite impressed by the sleight of hand of making you, well, making me think her and Bacon were going to be together from the start.

But then what do I know, I never see the twists coming in films ever. I was genuinely taken aback by The Sixth Sense, and the original Planet Of The Apes ending got me odd looks when I shouted "NO WAY!".

The Wicker Man wasn't such a surprise, but then the clue was in the title I suppose.

Babbling. I do kind of want to know how this entirely vanilla film ends, and I'm perfectly happy to sit here wide-eyed and let the complex narrative unfold, but if I wasn't aware of how slowly time is actually passing, I'd probably be quite cross at how much of my night this is stealing. As it is, the shapes and colours of people's faces is just as fascinating as the plotting and duplicity. God, today has been so full of plotting and duplicity, is this what it's like to be a woman? Female relationships are like Curly-Wurlys. Overly complicated, and full of chocolate.

Now I do sound like Carrie Bradshaw. She's GREAT.

FILM 7: PICTURE PERFECT - Meh

God, half an hour has gone already, what can I write? After the, and this isn't too strong a word, the EVIL of Gigli, watching Picture Perfect is the equivalent of being comforted by a strong fireman after being forced to set fire to your trousers.

"Mom… I was with a man… I was with a really beautiful man…"

Heheheh, she called Kevin Bacon beautiful.

Caring, understanding parents. is one of the key to a successful RomCom.
In Every. Single. Film I've seen today the main character has strong, compassionate parents you can say words like 'sex' to. Dads especially seem particularly keen on their daughters being married off to the first sharp-cheekboned lethario who steps over their doorstep. It's the oddly formulaic heart of any romantic comedy. For that matter, every character lives in the same town, if not the same street as their parents. No slightly awkward phone calls when their parents phone them at 8:30PM and they have to pretend not to be drunk, although at least real-life parents don't take such an intrusive intrerest in your sex lives. Give me a romcom with parents who find sex slightly sickening, as they should. It's just not British.

She even washes and cuts her mom's hair. So did Norman Bates.

In THIS film, Kevin Bacon only sleeps with women who are already in relationships, so Jennifer Aniston is making up loads of lies about her phantom boyfriends so Bacon will sleep with her. This is an entirely accurate and realistic depiction on the male psyche.

I can't wait for him to find out that the young and beautiful Jennifer Aniston is single and available. He's going to go mental.

FILM 7: PICTURE PERFECT

Well, we're over the hump. Less than 12 hours to go until the sweet embrace of sleep, but we've got plenty of films to get through together. We are in this together, right? Right??

So, Picture Perfect with Jennifer Aniston, 1997. This is another one pre-recorded off Channel 4, pleasingly the announcer descibed it as "perfect RomCom fun." That's quite a boast, and quite a promise, although considering The Unpleasentness I've just witnessed, this is going to feel like Battleship Potemkin. And Battleship Potemkin had more erotic chemistry.

Wow, Jennifer Aniston looks young, although she is slightly melon-headed. It's also nice to see Kevin Bacon, especially with his hair in lanky grease mode. However, Aniston and Bacon have met during the title sequence, so the pieces are in play. Let's see how this game of draughts plays out. Checkmate.

I see the kooky friend role, sorely lacking in Gigli, is filled by
Illeana Douglas, who, it turns out, isn't Jeff Goldblum's sister. Which is surprising, because she really looks like a female Jeff Goldblum.

In a good way of course. Jeff Goldblum was pretty hot in The Fly, and Earth Girls Are Easy.

Jesus, who drinks Lambrini???

FILM 6: GIGLI - You're just confused

I just realised, the man pretending to be brain damaged was McCoughnahay's best friend in "Failure To Launch".

Still, you can't beat Afflek's parting words to Lopez:

"As for that lesbian thing, if you ever feel like hopping the fence, give me a call."

I'll write that in my next letter to Stonewall.




I never realised Lambrini was fizzy.

FILM 6: GIGLI - BEST FILM EVER

Calling all amateur screenwriters and filmmakers.

I urge you to watch Gigli. If you ever doubt your ability to write dialogue, or shoot an interesting scene, or pull together a story that is in any way interesting or coherant, watch this film. Watch this film, watch this film and feel happy that no matter what ordure you've hammered out with your fists at 4 in the morning while off your face sniffing lighter fluid, you will still never manage to create something as amazingly, stunningly awful as this absolute abortion of a film. This 2 hour film of phenomonally offensive monologues and dreary, depressing imagery. It's like being the world's shittest zeppelin pilot, watching the Hindenburg footage over and over again.

Oh, you've heard about how bad this film is. You've read from this very blog about how bad this film is. But you know nothing. You have no idea. Walk up to someone who has seen this, and look into their eyes. They'll have a 1000 mile stare that 10 years in 'Nam can't even touch. After 2 hours of this, you'll hate the English language itself, never mind your own genitals.

I didn't know it was possible to feel like this. And I've had root canal surgery with no anaesthetic.

FILM 6: GIGLI - "It's turkey time. Gobble gobble gobble"

"What about me is not your type?"
"Your penis."

Its like reading Virginia Woolfe.

I've only just realised, Ben Affleck is going to 'convert' lesbian Lopez, isn't he. That is actually going to happen. This film is actually going to go there.

These excruciatingly long takes, monologue after monologue, like the writer thought he'd write Robert Shaw's USS Indianapolis speech in every scene. Except I don't remember Robert Shaw ending his scene by throwing a laptop computer onto the floor and saying "now log on to www.suckmydick.com!!"

They didn't have laptops in the 1970s, silly.

Is this film so bad it's good? I don't know, after my troubling nausea after the Hugh Grant film, I'm feeling strangely euphoric. And confused. The mother from My Big Fat Greek Wedding is Ben Affleck's mother in this, a fact drawn into sharp focus by Ben Affleck injecting her bare bum with a needle for no apparent reason. The worst thing is that I'm starting to forget which film I'm watching, there are so many crossovers. Why is Hugh Grant keeping a brain-damaged Matthew Mcconoughey hostage while trying to persuade Sarah Jessica Parker not to be a lesbian anymore?

I have no idea what's going on, what's bad, what's good, what's up and what's down. You know that bit in Fear And Loathing when Johnny Depp wakes up in a pool of water wearing a giant lizard tail? You don't need mind-bending drugs for that to start seeming like a good idea.

Why is literally every set in this film beige?

FILM 6: GIGLI - CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE AND THE WORST DIALOGUE IN HUMAN HISTORY

Is this Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez shouting "fuck" at each other in a flat for 2 hours while a man pretends to be handicapped? Ben Affleck is so ANGRY all the time, and I have no idea.

AFFLECK, TO MAN WITH LEARNING DIFFICULTIES
"Why don't you act FUCKING NORMAL for a moment?" - He hits the handicapped man.
LOPEZ: "If you do that again, I'll fucking kill you."
AFFLECK: "You'll kill me huh? Fuck you, go ahead. Don't tell me what to do, don't tell me what we may do, don't tell me what we might do, don't tell me what to do."
LOPEZ: "I'll fucking kill you."

It's like The Philadelphia Story, if Cary Grant beat up handicapped people for fun. Feel the chemistry.

The amazing thing is, you get offended by one thing, and while you're reeling from that, you get slapped again, then again.

"In this fucking relationship, I'm the bull, you're the cow. Shut up and eat your fucking food."
"I can't help being brain damaged!"

Wow.




Wow.

FILM 6: GIGLI

OK, I've had my first wobbly moment. Went to the bathroom and immersed my head in a sweet, sweet cold sink of water. I suppose it looked uncannily like I was drowning myself. That jug of coffee was a really, really bad idea.

So it's just as well I didn't know I was going to have to watch Gigli.

I'm not one to judge, but this could possibly be the worst film ever made.

It might pick up. Everyone else in the world who's seen it could have been wrong.

FILM 5: TWO WEEKS NOTICE - Boldly going to where every other romcom has gone before...

Well that was quite the turnaround, what a strange film. I think I've spotted the flaw with literally all romantic comedies. You know for a fact that the mis-matched couple are definitely going to end up together, so you might as well set a stopwatch at the beginning and count down to the first creepy, noisy and slightly too moist kiss.
Does anybody actually enjoy watching kissing on film? It always looks wrong, like two slabs of liver sliding over each other.

Anyway, in the end Hugh Grant gives up all his riches to live in weird-face Sandra Bullock's apartment, which he can "walk across in 6 seconds"!!!, which is still bigger than my apartment Hugh. Come on Hugh, come round here and sit with me watching these films one after another, and feel the walls close in on you. There's no escape Hugh. We're not even halfway through Hugh. We're not even halfway through.

Also, bafflingly, the end credits for Two Weeks Notice use the same font as the Star Trek films. This is actually the most interesting thing I've seen for, ooh, well over an hour.

I feel ill.

I need to sort myself out.

FILM 5: TWO WEEKS NOTICE - Oh get a room...

The new episode of Grand Theft Auto is out today, and I'm stuck inside watching this crap????

I'm sorry. But after a genuinely enjoyable 40 minute romp with snappy dialogue and tight editing, we're back into the same old pattern of the bickering couple who are taking forever to get together. Did anybody in real life reading this ever end up with a partner because they argued with them all the time, every minute of the day? Also, the caffeine rush is causing me to focus intensely on Sandra Bullock's slightly weird face. What is it about her face that's ever so slightly disconcerting? Maybe that's why Hugh Grant's always bickering with her. Nimmy nim nim nim.

I dunno, why am I supposed to be on these people's side? Why am I supposed to care? She's given two weeks notice, but it's taken FOREVER. Two Weeks Notice? Two… weeks….. Two Weeks BORING more like. That'll do.

Donald Trump is in it too. If this film were a computer game, he'd be the end-of-level boss. Aim the cluster bombs at the wig.

I wish I were playing computer games.

FILM 5: TWO WEEKS NOTICE - Gotta love Hugh

"You had sex with her in our marital bed!"
"Well I knew how worried you were about getting anything on the sofa.."

Best line of the day, who'd have thought it would come out of Hugh Grant's mouth?

It's a surprisingly post-modern film… Sandra Bullock is now Hugh's personal assistant. She's maid of honour a wedding, he texts her with "EMERGENCY - PLEASE COME ASAP". Does she phone him up to find out what the problem is? No, she abandons her friend to get into a madcap rush across town. You know like in sci-fi films when someone in sickbay calls the Captain, "Captain you'd better come down here." "Why?" "You'd better see for yourself."
NO. Phone ahead. Always phone ahead.
"Why did you leave a wedding? I didn't know you were at a wedding" says Hugh when it's revealed that he couldn't choose what pair of trousers to wear, HA HA HA!!

Seriously though, this isn't that bad. Well, it IS that bad. It's pretty terrible. But it's not Hugh's fault. I like Hugh Grant. I also like Matthew McConaughey. Is there a film with both Hugh Grant and Matthew McConaughey in? There should be.
Heh, they've even done a accidental blow-job scene with Hugh Grant. I want to pinch his cheeks.

I've had quite a lot of strong coffee.

FILM 5: TWO WEEKS NOTICE

Well, instead of a critically acclaimed and heart-warming modern tale of teenage pregnancy, I have Two Weeks Notice with Hugh Grant and Sandra Bullocks. Produced by Sandra Bullock, apparently.

Well, we're opening with Sandra protesting against some building getting knocked over or something, and she is firmly established as a headstrong rebel. In the next scene, she orders chinese takeaway. "Yes.... it's a meal for one" she tells the restaurant over the phone. Even though no takeaway service on the PLANET would ask how many people's its for. And, in my experience, chinese takeaways have a disturbing knack of knowing exactly what you're going to order before they even pick up the phone, especially if you're as pathetic and predictable as I am. She should move to Acton.

Anyway, Hugh Grant's on the scene now, and I've laughed at THREE of his lines. What is going on? WHAT IS GOING ON??

Tell you what though, he's a greedy CEO of a giant corporation, she's a fiesty young (pft!) protestor against corporate greed. When these two get together... you better watch out!!!!!!!!

David Haig has been cast as Grant's brother, although he couldn't look less like Grant if he tried. They both have a 'British' accent I guess.

I must go now, Sandra's kookiness is turned up to 11, and I'm all aboard for a laugh riot.

FILM 4: MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING - My 4th wedding of the day

Where is the will-they, won't-they? I mean it's a nice film, and I am very, VERY grateful for something to laugh at after the previous 6 hours of misery, but now…. I need a bit of misery. Be careful what you wish for I suppose, apparently the next film's a stinker.

So, having raged against endless arguing and whinging, I find myself craving it again. My masculinity has been so bruised and battered I want to be treated rough. It turns out my feminine side loves being treated mean. This is quite the journey of discovery.

Just so you know, the next film WAS going to be Juno, but I decided to over-ride it, as I realise it means a lot to the people who've donated (and you can donate here) that I'm miserable. Well, I aim to please.

And by the way, my glasses look AWESOME.

FILM 4: MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING - Oi, four-eyes!

My wife is really angry at this film. She's angry because the romantic man-lead only seems to like her because she's put some make-up on, and they don't have any chemistry, and all he seems to want to do is get off with her in his car. She's also cross because the woman went to his school, and took him out of his class. If he's a teacher, how come he's got time to hang around travel agents leering in at the employees? Probably because he was one of his teachers' long and frequent holidays. Take that!

Personally, I'm anticipating that by the end of the film she's going to have put her glasses back on and he'll love her for who she is inside. I hope so anyway. There's a sinister anti-glasses agenda in this film, and I'm very cross. Contact lenses are shit, and I'm not pushing wafer-thing glass into my eyes for anyone. Especially you, Tom Hanks. I expect I'll be seeing more of you later.

The baptism scene was funny, but I really, really wish that Matthew McConaughey was in it.

Did you know that he can't stand up by himself?

FILM 4: MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING - 30 minutes

The problem is that I've been completely shell-shocked by by the triple barrage of this morning, I'm a bit worried that I've become desensitised to films that aren't terrible.

This is OK so far, although I'm a bit grumpy and confused about how the main character turned from a shy frump to a happenin' girl about town in the space of 5 minutes. I suppose that most films would take 2 hours to get through what his film did in 5 minutes, but even so, grumble grumble characterisation grumble.

I can't help but notice that the man in the film is one of Carrie Bradshaw's ex-boyfriends in Sex And The City. Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.

Tell you what though, something else I've noticed is that in ALL romantic comedies ever made ever, when your main woman gets a make-over, she must immediately walk into something and fall over.

If you want a picture of the future, imagine women, falling over on the cover of Heat magazine, forever.

FILM 4: MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING

Not sure what to make of this, it looked AWFUL in the trailer, but... well, let's get into an open frame of mind. I did enjoy my holiday in Greece.

It nearly didn't happen as the DVD is Region 1, but love finds a way. I've had to unplug and replug some SCART cables for this though. I hope my chores weren't in vain.

I really wish I hadn't finished that bottle of Metaxa weeks ago. It would certainly come in handy now.

FILM 3: SEX AND THE CITY - Post mortem

And so Samantha put on a couple of pounds, and they all laughed. HA HA HAHAHA HA!! Her tummy is slightly protruding over her belt!! She's eating chocolate!!!! Then her dog had sex with a pillow.

"Samantha, that pillow cost 300 dollars."

Bloody hell, who the hell has the money to buy a 300 dollar pillow? It's not even 'fabulous'. SJP is just a writer in a newspaper, right? Where does she get this money? No really?

Ghastly, ghastly film, and surprisingly dull. I was expecting at least 400% more cackling and shopping, rather than a 145 minutes of wall-to-wall moping. Was this popular at the cinema? Is this what women want? Because frankly, I'd rather have had the cackling.

I genuinely want to know, because if the next 18 hours (!) are going to be this harrowing, I'll need to brace myself. With booze. Delicious, delicious, er, Lambrini.

I'm not even sure what I'm going to do with my 15 minute break. Just stare numbly at the floor I think.

FILM 3: SEX AND THE CITY: No, YOU fuck off.

The really odd thing about the film is that nothing really happens. It's basically a 2 and a half hour protracted whinge. Hey, Sarah Jessica Parker, why the long face? Oh, you got jilted at the altar and wouldn't SHUT UP ABOUT IT for 2 hours? Gotcha.

And your face is long anyway.

Misery montages are even more of a staple than kooky friends and exercise classes it would appear. With meaningful acoustic guitar folk music over the top.
I suppose, considering how hateful your 4 ladies were acting at the beginning of the film, I should be feeling some satisfaction at seeing their hubris trampled, but no. You get sucked into these things, and I feel like I'm trapped in a room with a wildly fluctuating sobbing older sister who might try to have sex with me at any moment. It should be pointed out that I have no siblings.

I don't think I'll ever be able to take joy in schadenfraude ever again, not while there's melancholy guitar strumming to keep my emotions where they want them to be.

Mind you, while writing this, I just saw the bit where Samantha gets painted by evil fur campaigners, a couple of comedy gnarled squawking hags, and I think I'm feeling….anger again. Hold onto that Eddie… it's what keeps you human..


Oh. They're arguing again. Jesus Christ.

FILM 3: SEX AND THE CITY - I can't feel my brain

Something I really wasn't prepared for with this task was just how much bleak arguing there is in romantic comedies. Argue argue argue argue argue argue argue argue they go. Ner ner ner nim nim nimmy nim nim.

I like women, obviously. I'm married to one!!!!! And my mother is one. But bleeding' hell, these plots are complicated with a lot of talking about emotions and crying about emotions then, apparently, laughing while someone shits themselves. This day is full of surprises, that's for sure.

27 Dresses is fading away from my memory, but I'd hit a low by the end of that. SATC has taken me through to the other side, where I'm by no means enjoying it, but I'm feeling completely numb, which may well be the same thing. I just can't tell anymore.

I'm feeling tired and emotional, and I want to cry.

Film 3: SEX AND THE CITY - The wedding's off!

"When Big 'colours', he rarely stays between the lines."

And with that, I wet-belched into my mouth.

The problem with this film is that it feels like I'm breaking the rules as it feels I've already seen it. It's exactly as hateful as the TV programme, a grotesque homage to rampant spoiled unchecked greed. Half an hour in, and I feel nothing except a begrudging feeling of envy for these over-privileged vacuous harpies and their pathetic, self-absorbed manginess lives and genitals. The Taliban should use this in their recruitment drive.

Still, it's shaken up the formula by turning on the bleak "will they, won't they" dilemma 40 minutes in, with the arrogant assumption that we care enough about these cows to be upset that their nasty little plans, one of which appears to include stealing a chinese baby, are becoming unravelled.

For the love of god, please donate to AVERT if you haven't already, some good must come out of this.


You know what the problem with this film is? Nobody has a kooky best friend. Didn't they watch Failure To Launch?? Cuh!!!

Film 3: SEX AND THE CITY - My closet is too small

We knew this moment would come eventually. The film about three hookers and their mum, to quote Family Guy.

Just so you know, I have seen every episode of this fucking programme. My wife's fault, you understand. Looking at the back of the DVD case, I can see this film is going to last for 145 endless minutes, which makes the endless series re-cap at the beginning seem even more sarcastic.

However, nothing has prepared me for the first scene proper of the film, when SJP is viewing a colossal penthouse apartment overlooking central park, but whinges when she sees that the closet in the cavernous master bedroom isn't very big. But He will build her a new one, so that's fine ARRRRGHHH I'M IN SO MUCH PAIN.

Mind you, I'm the one sat here typing self-indulgent musings into an Apple laptop and moaning about my life, but at least my 'closet' is relatively spacious, and I'm very happy with my shoes.

FILM 3: SEX AND THE CITY

...............................










....... oh god.

FILM 2: 27 Dresses THE END

IT'S OVER!!!!

Why would anybody choose to watch a film that relentlessly miserable, just for 5 minutes of happy ending that is basically just people apologising to each other?

They should be apologising to me.


Don't forget to get the full misery experience on my Twitter feed, @RomComMarathon.

Also, please don't forget to donate to AVERT, using the link at the top of the page. It's a great cause, and it'll cheer me up. Thank you so much everybody who's donated so far!

FILM 2: 27 Dresses - When will it end?

I was warned about the Bennie And The Jets singalong scene, and it certainly didn't disappoint. Jane and Kevin are drunk in a bar, Elton comes on the radio (not literally) and within moments, the whole bar is singing and dancing. I have definitely been going to the wrong bars all my life. Actually….no. This is a bar I never, ever want to be in ever.

Although this sounds like the film is a cheesy singy fun-romp, it is in fact anything but. It is amazingly bleak, the story of a lonely woman who's only friend is her stalker and who hates her sister. After being humiliated when her stalker accidentally humiliates her in the ""New York Journal", she deliberately ruins her sister's wedding in revenge. By telling the groom that the sister secretly eats meat.

"You cannot start a relationship BASED ON LIES!!"
"Yesterday you were my sister. Today you're some bitch who cut up my mother's wedding dress."

I've already spotted that all RomComs have the bit about two thirds of the way in where it all goes wrong and we wonder whether anyone will ever be happy again. But in a sick way I'm missing the frothier formula, because there have been surprisingly few happy moments in this relentless sob-fest. It's RomCom in a minor key, and I've never felt so low.

FILM 2: 27 Dresses

Wow, this is a surprisingly upsetting film. 45 minutes of Katherin Heigl being really, really miserable while her sister sleeps with her 'perfect boss'. It really is a lot of relentless misery, and very little comedy.

Hmm, I appear to be becoming emotionally involved. It's not fair, everybody's so MEAN to her.
Still, at least she's got Kevin, the guy who stole her diary, then tore a week's pages out of it and phoned her up demanding a date so he can return them to her. This is creepy, yes, but also lovable. Apparently. I thought Americans were hot on restraining orders.

This is the second film (out of two) where two best friends discuss their relationship problems while at an exercise class. Is this because a room full of women bending over is intrinsically funny, or is this where writers hang out to get ideas? Like the way they make a writer called Kevin a hero, despite displaying literally no redeeming quality whatsoever. He follows her EVERYWHERE. As I'm writing this, he's turned up at her house uninvited, and she's let him in. This film is the stalker's manifesto.

He's found her cupboard full of bridesmaid's dresses, and now he's taking pictures of them touching them.

I feel like I need a bath.

FILM 2: 27 Dresses: The first 20 minutes

I miss Matthew McConaughey.

So, Katherine Heigl is a wedding planner who spends her whole life planning weddings for other people. I haven't watched much of the film yet, but I'm GUESSING that this might indicate that she's lonely inside.

Luckily, after getting knocked unconscious by an overzealous bouquet-catcher HA HA HA she meets, er, James Marsden. I know it's not fair to judge someone having only 'met' them for 10 minutes, but the man is a charisma vacuum. He's an investigative reporter looking into, er, the phenomonon of modern wedding planners. He's actually stormed into his editor's office (Jan from The Office) and demanded that he investigate this story. It's very much like All The President's Men, if Robert Redford had been a cockswaggering scrunchy-faced fat-lipped man-boy with the smuggest smugginton face on the planet. Called 'Kevin'.

Also, Katherine Heigl has a kooky friend. She's also a slut, so we laugh at her ha ha ha for being shallow ha ha ha while rooting the large-faced but oddly appealing Heigl. But you all secretly want to be the kooky friend, don't you girls? Don't you??

Do ALL women have kooky friends? Why don't I have any kooky friends? Oh. My. God.

FILM 2: 27 Dresses

Well this is one that my wife recorded off Sky: 27 Dresses. I have no idea what this one is about, but I'm guessing that it will feature dresses. In fact, the first five minutes of this film is quite dress heavy.

To be honest with you, I have very little interest in dresses.

Oh good, and there's a kooky friend in this one too. And bongo drum music. I'm going to have a banana.

So far I've counted 8 dresses. I hope the film ends soon.

Oh.

FILM 1: FAILURE TO LAUNCH

If you want to make a film about prostitution, at least have the guts to say the word. Don't make your lead female a "professional interventionist who never sleeps with clients". Pretty Woman wasn't exactly a gritty expose of the sex worker industry, but then it also didn't have a scene where Zooey Deschanel gives mouth-to-mouth to a bird she shot.

Funnily enough, I was enjoying it in a weird way for the first 50 minutes, until the standard "he finds out about the ploy' ploy and they split up even though they love each other" and it went all 'serious'. By serious, I mean a montage where both protagonists stare meaningfully into the distance in a series of slow zooms. This appeared to be unironic.

This situation escalates until the kooky friends arrange for SJP and MM to get locked in a room together until they make up their differences. Yes, someone actually wrote this, even though they did it in the Simpsons 15 years ago.

"I never meant to hurt you".
"Before I met you I never realised how unhappy I am".

Did I mention that the kooky friends set up webcams and hooked it up to a massive screen in a cafe and everybody in the cafe watched them making up while commentating and cheering? They were speaking for us, the audience, do you see? Aaaaaah.

The plot of this film is basically "men may enjoy going out every day with their friends rock-climbing and water-skiing and getting bitten by chipmunks, but what they REALLY want is to shack up with a horse-faced emotionally manipulative lying kookster". Which is definitely true. Yeah, I was getting worried about enjoying it a bit, but luckily it snatched defeat from the jaws of victory and turned out to be a truly awful film, phew! One down, 22 and a half hours left to go.

I'm going to go to the toilet.

FILM 1: FAILURE TO LAUNCH

So Matthew McConaughey is 35 (!!!!) and still living at home. SJP is, er, older, and she's been hired by his parents to seduce him out of home by doing it with him. The whole plot is more than a bit unsavoury to be honest.

This is probably the perfect one to start with, all things considering. Handsome (but slightly razzled-looking) man meets, er, a woman. Man has wacky loser but lovable friends, and she has a kooky single housemate (Zooooey Deschanel). Banter ahoy.

It's definitely more Com than Rom, which is a shame because the Com thinks its funnier than it really is. It's got loads of those hilarious "I'm sure doing his work like a mature, sensible adult"... CUT TO: Him playing a video game with a child HA HA HA HA!

"I think it's really working out between us."
CUT TO: "She's got to go" HA HA HA HA HA HA

Also, a surprising amount of Farralley-style animal violence. Also, SJP is, frankly, a terrible actress. She's being acted off screen by Matthew Mcconaughey, and he's not exactly Laurence Olivier. Not sure why I like him so much though. I probably want him to be my friend.

A scene that's made me particuarly cross so far is where they're playing paintball and KEEP TAKING THEIR MASKS OFF!!! I know that it's a film and everything, and they think it's important to see the actors' leathery faces, but haven't they ever seen Byker Grove?? A few pellets in the eyes would change the tone of the film considerably.

FILM 1: Failure To Launch

Like the worst Christmas Day ever, I've unwrapped my first 'present', and appropriately enough considering it's the 'launch' of the marathon, and considering I stole the front cover for the logo of the website, it's Failure to Launch.

Oooh, 2 minutes in and they're doing sex. It's not even 9:05.

Kooky bongo music and Kathy Bates. I quite like Matthew McCoughnahey, he seems nice in interviews and that, so maybe this won't be so bad. It's not like there's anyone else in this film that I can't stand, right?

There was a trailer on the DVD for Mission Impossible III. Impossible, eh Tom? I think not. This is going to be the easiest 24 hours ever. I'm like Jack Bauer on his day off.

Let's watch the film.

All prepared!

So, I have Lambrini, energy drink mixer, Haagen-Dazs, strong coffee, bananas and Milk Tray. Just my estrogen injections to go and I'm all prepared.

Nearly time for bed, I feel like I'm going into battle. I'll watch the excellent Generation Kill now though, I need something macho and violent, like a condemned man with his last breakfast. For tomorrow I shall be breakfasting on chocolates and ice-cream.

I am ready.

Off to buy Lambrini and Haagen-Dazs....

Well, all the films are in and I'm nearly ready to go. I still have no idea what the full list is, and the horrible reality of the situation doesn't seem to have sunk in yet. What have I done, oh god, what have I done?

I'm off out now to buy some Lambrini and ice-cream. Must keep my sugar levels up, although it may induce vomiting if the films don't do it themselves.

9AM tomorrow, bright and early.

On a serious note, an enormous thank you to those of you who have already donated, I never imagined that we'd make this much before I even watched a single film, thank you so much! If you haven't donate yet, please don't be shy, here is the link:

http://www.justgiving.com/eddiepurple/

Also, please tell as many people as you can about this marathon, it's a great charity and a great cause.

Keep an eye on this blog, it'll be updated very reguarly throughout the day tomorrow, as well as my twitter feed @RomComMarathon
Well, I've got to have an early night tonight. It's going to be a long day tomorrow.

Oh yes, don't forget that you can leave comments underneath these blog posts. I will read them all. It will be a blessed relief.

The Challenge Explained

Click here to donate via my JustGiving.com page

My name is Eddie and I hate romantic comedies. Boy meets girl, girl meets... oh I've lost interest already. Formulaic, predictable and pointless mulch, I'd rather watch films about massive spaceships blowing each other up any day.

Most people, when they're raising money for charity, do something physically unpleasant and arduous. Unfortunately, any physical exertion I would attempt would end in embarrassing and humiliating vomiting five minutes in, wrapped in a silver foil blanket. The best I can offer is being forced to do something I would never want to do for 24 hours straight while people point and laugh, and my wife has decided that this will be watching fluffy rom-coms.

THE RULES

1) No sleeping or indeed doing anything other than watching the endless telly.
2) No drinking beer to lessen the pain. The only alcohol allowed is the booze these films are made to be quaffed with, namely Lambrini.
3) A 15 minute break in between films for tea making, snacking or toilet. Other than that, I must remain glued to the screen.
4) I'll be blogging here throughout the marathon, posting thoughts and pictures on my personal hell. Maybe I'll start to really enjoy it, we'll see.

I don't think watching 24 hours of one type of film is going to be easy, in fact I may go mad. It'll be interesting to find out.

I will be starting this marathon on THURSDAY 29th OCTOBER 2009 from 9AM - FRIDAY 9AM. Do tune in to this blog to see what happens!

The list of films will be decided by my wife Louise closer to the time. Come back here nearer the time to see what she's come up with. I dread to think.


Of course the whole challenge is going to a very good cause.

"AVERT’s Community Programme supports and builds partnerships with local organisations who are working to directly avert the spread of HIV, and to improve the treatment, care and support of people infected with, or affected by HIV/AIDS. AVERT’s partnerships take place in areas of extremely high, or rapidly increasing rates of HIV infection, in Africa and India.

AVERT also provides a wide range of information to educate people about HIV/AIDS across the world. AVERT’s Information and Advocacy Service also provides help and advice to the general public through specific enquiries, as well as campaigning for improved responses on specific issues, such as preventing children being born with HIV."


If you're interested or amused by this stupid challenge I've set myself, then please do take the time to donate whatever you can afford to this excellent charity, and help prevent the spread of HIV and AIDS within the developed and developing world.

I have set up a donation page here:

http://www.justgiving.com/eddiepurple

If you have any questions at all, you can comment on this blog, or email me at eddie.green@gmail.com

See you on Thursday October 29th at 9AM!